


This Void Session Isn't The Only Thing Feeling a Little Empty, Right Now

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha Session, Awkward Conversations, Blow Jobs, Frustrating Teens Being Frustrating People, M/M, Porn with Feelings, communication issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-04-25
Packaged: 2018-06-04 10:13:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6653809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set toward the end of the Alpha session. Dirk has boundary issues. Jake has communication issues. So what better way to deal with it than to dance across all kinds of boundaries while disallowing communication altogether? </p><p>Brilliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Void Session Isn't The Only Thing Feeling a Little Empty, Right Now

There was something unsettling about how quiet Jake's planet was. 

Past the ever-present sound of their breathing and the metallic clicks and snaps that signaled Jake cleaning out his pistols behind him, the place was utterly, deadly silent. At least LOTAK had some semblance of weather; wind whistling between abandoned edifices, rumbling thunder, the occasionally hair-raising crack of lightning in the distance. LOMAX was a more peaceful sort of place. Even the landscape was gentle; verdant rolling hills as far as the eye could see. Granted, they knew now that the hills were all actually barrows, housing the bones of thousands of long-dead consort creatures. So maybe "unsettling" was an appropriate mood for the place, after all.

Dirk sat with his back against a cold stone slab, gas mask laid out on one side of him and his sword on the other. Normally they'd celebrate a successful raid at one of their uprooted houses, alchemize some food while they sorted through all the weird loot they found, maybe snap some pictures of the most truly bizarre shit for Jane and Roxy. Their successes hadn't felt very celebratory in awhile, though. Jake had started getting cagey about inviting Dirk back to his place, and whenever Dirk invited him to LOTAK, instead, there were always mumbled excuses offered instead of any kind of indication that Jake was even marginally interested in continuing to share the same general space as him. So. Dirk had stopped offering, after awhile. Who wanted constant rejection? 

Really, Dirk reflected, he shouldn't even still be here. Jake hadn't said a word in like, an hour, and was obviously just sort of waiting for him to leave. Anxiously. Eagerly. But the thought of trudging back off to his rooftop alone was still winning out against the awkward press of silence here as far as things Dirk didn't want to deal with went, and besides, Jake hadn't _told_ him he wanted him to go. He hadn't said anything at all.

God, the silence was killing him. 

He'd had enough of somber post-apocalyptic quiet back on Earth. And even then, at least there had been the ocean. Birds. Wind, rain. Old videos from a dead civilization. Evidently their consorts had never progressed that far technology-wise before they'd all been wiped out. What a shame. Or not. Any videos they might have made would probably have been just as weird and cryptic as the stone-carved notes they _had_ managed to leave behind, scrawled in maze-like tombs that ran under the surface of all their respective worlds. 

"I kinda wish we knew what they really looked like," Dirk thought aloud, drawing up his knees to his chest. "Like, I know we've been finding their bones everywhere, but seeing their skeletons isn't exactly giving me much insight into what kinds of creatures they actually were. Except the turtles, I guess. Those are pretty obvious." 

Dirk stopped there, just to see if he'd get a response. 

Jake grunted, almost too soft to hear. Good enough. 

"They were supposed to be our subjects, sort of. Even moreso than the Prospitians or Dersites, I think? They mention time and again that they did everything they did _for_ us, that their entire civilization revolved around our eventual coming. It's strange to think about. Sort of humbling, maybe. They knew they would all die centuries before we managed to drag our late, sorry asses in and they still spent their last days setting all of this morbid bullshit up for our benefit. And we don't even know what the fuck they looked like. Seems a little unfair." 

Honestly, he had no idea why he was even bothering. Maybe he just found the sound of his own voice preferable to silence. 

"What do you think about it?" Dirk put the question forward against his better judgement, mostly to see if even a direct question could wrangle more than a monosyllabic response. 

"Uhm," Jake said. There was a series of clicks and a _snap_ , presumably as he reloaded a pistol. Dirk chanced a look at him, peeking out from behind the stone slab he sat against like he was stealing a look at something illicit. Jake was just sitting there, eyebrows scrunched together in what was probably annoyance. He didn't want to talk. He'd been making that abundantly clear, and still Dirk had felt compelled to put him on the spot. Guilt ebbed through him -- guilt and _anger_ , too, if he was being honest. Was it really so unreasonable to want to have a fucking conversation, now and then? 

"Not a very compelling thought," Dirk muttered after a while, loud enough to be sure Jake could hear because hey, why not. If he was going to be an asshole, he might as well go all the way. 

"It's just..." Jake began, and Dirk sat up straighter, blinking. Holy shit. More than one syllable! Maybe this hadn't been such a bad idea, after all. "I have some thoughts, actually, they're just... a little bit unpleasant, maybe? You'd probably be appalled to hear them. I kind of am, and they're my own frigging thoughts, for Christ's sake." 

"Unpleasant?" Dirk prodded. This was interesting. "How so?" 

"I... don't know if I really want to get into it." 

"No, I want to know. Come on, man. I won't judge. Lay it on me. Get it off your chest." Fuck, Dirk thought, wincing. He sounded so desperate. He kind of was. He just wanted his boyfriend to fucking talk to him a little, damn it. Or maybe just at least act like he wasn't actively uncomfortable with his company.

"Well, alright. But no judging! That's a promise and I'm going to hold you to it, you hear?" Jake exhaled audibly. "I've thought sometimes that maybe I'm a little glad they aren't here." 

"Wow." 

"No judging!" Jake insisted. "I'm serious about this!" 

"You're glad they're all dead?" 

Jake huffed a little sigh. "I didn't _say_ that, though... uhm, I guess I did rather _imply_ it, but that's not the intent behind the sentiment at all! It's just... ah, hell. It does sound like that, doesn't it?" 

"A bit, yeah. I'm not judging, though. Really." 

"I can't tell if you're being sarcastic, or not. I never can!" Jake actually sounded a little genuinely miffed at this. Dirk frowned, squirming against the rock at his back, suddenly wishing he could see him. His face, at least. Was he actually angry? 

"That wasn't sarcasm." 

"...Okay," Jake replied, but not before a pause long enough to imply he didn't believe it. "It's more that if I think about how _many_ of them there probably were, all just milling about here _waiting_ for me... Now no doubt that would have been a right capital time, a real boondazzler of a welcoming gala..." 

"...But not really your thing." Dirk finished for him. 

"Right." 

"Huh." 

"Honestly, it's probably for the best they never met me. I doubt I would have been anything near what they were expecting." 

"I doubt I would have been, either, if it makes you feel better." 

"What?" Jake took on an incredulous tone. "Don't be absurd. You're exactly what they were hoping for, not a doubt in my mind." 

"You think so? Hm. How so?" 

"Well, you're... strong," Jake blurted, a statement followed immediately by something muttered that Dirk couldn't make out. "Er, capable. You're exactly the person for doing things that need doing, even if all those things are frankly befuddling quest-type things that make no spanking sense at all. I've never known you to stop pursuing a goal once you've decided on one." 

"Oh," Dirk replied, turning the words over and over in his head. They were mostly positive, right? Strong and capable, those weren't bad things to be. "For the record, I don't think of you as the giving up type, either." 

Jake laughed at this, bizarrely, a quiet little chuckle that sounded more... sad, than mirthful. Dirk frowned. There was something wrong, _had_ been something wrong for awhile, but how could he hope to fix it if Jake wouldn't even tell him what it was? 

Suddenly, not being able to see him was too much. Dirk stretched his legs and stood, hesitation just for a second before rounding the stones into the center of the formation. Jake had apparently finished with his pistols, and was laying back on one of the stones, arms crossed under his head. It wasn't so high up that Jake couldn't see him, though. Their eyes met, just for a second, and then Jake went back to staring up at the sky, squirming a bit. Dirk crossed his arms. 

"Jake," he said, uncertainly. 

"Hm?" 

"Is something wrong?" 

Jake's eyes went a little wide, at that, which was really all the confirmation required, wasn't it? Something heavy settled in the pit of Dirk's stomach as he watched Jake's face -- lips thinning, eyes going from too-wide to too-narrow in a blink.

"Not... No! Why would there be anything wrong?" 

It was so frustrating. Why couldn't he just be honest? 

"You just seem a little... distant, lately? Distracted? A little more down on yourself than usual, maybe?" 

Silence greeted that, just as Dirk had thought it would. He let it go on as long as he could stand it.

"I really wish you'd talk to me, Jake," he said, when it got to be too much. 

"And _I_ sort of wish--" Jake swallowed, visibly. "I wish we didn't have to talk, all the time!" 

"You... don't like talking to me?" That heavy feeling in his gut was getting heavier by the moment. He swallowed thickly, something ugly and anxious spinning up like a whirlpool in his brain. Fuck. 

"I do enjoy talking with you! I always have! It's just sometimes lately I feel like I've used all the words I've got in me, the tank is empty, and I feel like a inconsiderate boor when you're there yakking away and I've just got _nothing_ left, Dirk, I never realized it would be like this!" A huffy sigh. "I could always just walk away from a computer when it got to be a lot, but with you and I here, together, in _person_ , there's no walking away and there's no switch to shut it off, and it's just bloody difficult!" 

"I... didn't realize you found my company so inconvenient." Shit. He sounded so petulant. His chest hurt. Jake made a frustrated noise, balling his fists at his sides, but he still wasn't looking at him. Just up at the sky, up at nothing. He could at least have the decency to look him in the eye as he told him to fuck off. 

"I _don't._ See, this is why I didn't..." Jake actually sat up, then, blinked at him through his spectacles. His brows were drawn together, as close to a glare as Jake English got. "I knew you'd take this the wrong way!" 

"Considering you just told me you'd like to shut me off, which, just so you know, I've said to my auto-responder plenty of times. And I know exactly how I felt when I did, so--" 

"Heavens to fucking betsy, Dirk, your shitty AI is the last thing I want to bring into this disaster! Frankly I wish you _would_ shut the thing off! Maybe then I could type some of this out coherently instead of blundering my way through it this way without worrying I'm talking to the wrong _you_ , and we wouldn't even be doing this, right now." 

"Maybe we should have done this a long time ago, actually." 

"Dirk, no, fucking hell. Stop that." 

"Stop what?" Dirk realized his fists were clenched; he made a concentrated effort to relax. Shit. This sucked. This really, really fucking blew, in fact.

"You've got that look on your face, you're thinking all sorts of horrible things that aren't even true and what's the point of getting all riled up over things you're just making up on the spot? Knock it off. I still like you, alright?" 

That was... actually nice to hear. A little bit of anxiety ebbed. Fuck, he hoped Jake wasn't just saying that, lying to diffuse the situation. It felt like there were iron bars wrapped around his ribs, pressing in. 

"Alright," he said, numbly. What else was there to say? 

Jake heaved a sigh and slapped his hands over his face, then ran his fingers up under his glasses and into his hair, nearly sliding them off over the top of his head. He made a muffled, frustrated noise. 

"Can we just forget about this conversation, please?" 

Of course not. 

"Sure." 

He was going to be replaying it for weeks, wondering how he could have prevented it. Done better, somehow. Jake dropped his hands, straightened his glasses.

"Really?" He peered down, looking suspicious. Dirk wanted to laugh. The bands around his chest squeezed tighter. It was actually a little hard to breathe.

"Consider it forgotten," he lied. 

"Oh, thank Christ." 

It was his own fault for pushing him, wasn't it? 

"I think I should probably go," Dirk said. 

"...Are you sure?" Jake replied. Not, _wait please don't_ or _I'd rather you stayed a little longer_ or maybe just _you don't have to if you don't want._ Just that hopeful expression that suggested he was relieved Dirk was offering solitude to him first. Fuck. He wanted him to go. Probably wanted him to stay gone. 

"You obviously want to be alone," he said, a little petulantly, a little accusatory -- which wasn't fair, but God, he felt like such shit. Jake flinched back a little at that, and Dirk immediately regretted saying it. 

"You're not going to forget this at all, are you?" he said, and of all things he actually sounded fucking _sad._ Incredible. "I knew it." 

"I'll get over it," Dirk lied, again. 

"No, listen, I didn't mean to upset you! That's the last thing I want. There has to be something I can... it's not that I want you to _go._ " 

"You don't have to lie to spare my feelings," Dirk said, which was fucking hilarious because hadn't he just done that the other way around? Jake scrunched his face up at him, looking genuinely annoyed, now. 

"I'm not lying. I _don't_ want you to go. I just want... some quiet?" 

How could he _crave_ quiet on this maddeningly silent fucking planet? It was mind boggling. Hadn't he spent his entire childhood alone, too? Maybe they'd just dealt with it in completely opposite ways. Jake had made peace with his solitude, while Dirk had fantasized about when he'd have the opportunity to escape it. Given the opportunity, he'd never have to deal with it again. Too bad he was such a high maintenance piece of shit for that to be at all feasible. 

So high maintenance, in fact, that he realized with dawning horror that he was perfectly willing to seize this fake olive branch and pretend it was real so long as it meant he didn't have to trudge off like some rejected suitor and be alone with his thoughts for the rest of -- God, however long. 

"I can be quiet." That might have been a lie, too. Maybe he couldn't. "At least, I can try." 

Jake was squinting at him, again. 

"Hmm," he said. Then he swung his legs over and slid off the stones, landing with a little grunt, and put his hands on his hips for all the world like he was about to _scold_ him. Dirk let his eyes sweep over him, because he could never help himself when it came to Jake -- tall, pleasantly muscled, he had such nice _shoulders_ (and what a fucking weird thing to notice, god, what was wrong with him?) He loved the way Jake's eyes practically glowed in the muted light, electric green. The way his shorts stopped halfway down his thighs. Shit. He couldn't think about that, not now. 

"Hmm, what," he said instead, wrenching his gaze back to Jake's face. Thank god for his shades, hiding the evidence. 

"That counts as talking," Jake pointed out. Dirk opened his mouth to respond, caught himself at the last minute. He raised his eyebrows in silent question. Jake nodded, actually grinned a little. "That's better. _That's_ trying!" 

Dirk sucked in a breath to respond, _again_ caught himself at the last second, and exhaled slowly instead. Okay. This was actually pretty difficult, but Jake was looking a little more animated, now, so it was probably worth it. He said nothing. 

"It's true I've been feeling a little on the skittish side of things, but I don't want you to think I regret getting into this whole arrangement we've got. That's not so. The talking gets to be a little much, sometimes, you always want to have these thinky frigging _sprawling_ prattles about every dagnabbed thing under the _sun,_ but..." 

It was basically taking all of his restraint _not_ to respond into that little moment of thoughtful quiet, but Dirk managed. Barely.

"There's things I do enjoy a lot? Exploring, sure. It's nice knowing you've got my back, down there. Watching movies! We should do that, more. It doesn't all have to be serious business all the blasted time and I really like movies, Dirk, you know that. So long as you promise not to talk during them, especially not to insult them because you sure do that a lot." Another pause. This was torture. "I like when we're just lazing about, together, even if we're doing our own separate things. Like, we're together but not everything has to be _together?_ Does that make sense? Don't talk, you're still not allowed to talk. Just nod yes or no." 

The problem was that Dirk had no idea how to respond. Yes, he sort of understood. But did he understand completely? Not really. He couldn't relate to that. He settled on a hesitant half nod in the affirmative. Jake nodded back. 

"Also, uhm, there's..." Jake was smiling, now, a little shyly, and Dirk's heart began thudding in earnest despite everything. He really was pathetic. At least he didn't feel like he was suffocating, anymore, though all the words he wanted to choke out and apparently wasn't allowed to were kind of choking him, instead. "There's some other things I could think of that I've been rather enjoying, that don't involve _much_ talking. Or thinking, really?"

How was he expected _not_ to respond to that? Dirk stared at him, helplessly, hoping he'd continue without prompting. Instead, Jake stepped up right to him, closing the distance between them from feet to inches. He was still smiling, though it was a little more subdued, now. He blinked up at him, studying his face like he was trying to memorize it. Dirk's heartbeat was suddenly deafening in his own ears. He wanted to do this, after that? Or was he presuming? Fuck, what if he was just reading too much into this? It wasn't like he had much practice reading body language. 

"I used to think about doing this a lot," Jake admitted, cocking his head to one side. "It's been a real thrill actually being able to." 

Then he removed all the ambiguity about the situation by leaning up on his toes and pressing a gentle little kiss against Dirk's lips. Dirk swallowed, holding himself very still. 

"Jake," he said, a little shakily. Jake's expression immediately clouded over, from fond to frustrated in an instant. 

"Now, hold on, I didn't say you could start talking, again--" 

"Wait. I know. But this is important. Just let me say this, and then I'll shut up, I swear." 

Jake was still frowning, but he must have seen something in Dirk's expression, because after a moment he nodded, once. 

"I don't want you to think you have to make up for hurting my feelings by -- being physical, like this." Dirk said, speaking too fast, all nerves and sick worry warring with deep, unfulfilled want. "The last thing I want is for you to put yourself out there for me as an apology, or because you think you have some boyfriend obligation. So if you don't actually want to do anything, please don't. Tell me to go home. Tell me to leave you alone for awhile. I will. No questions asked." 

_Please don't actually do that, though,_ he added, silently. _Fuck._

Jake considered that, expression thoughtful. "Is that all you wanted to say?" 

"Yeah." 

"All right. No more talking, then." 

Dirk nodded. 

"Allow me to say, nothing about what I'm wanting to do here is because I feel _obligated._ Not at all. It's not meant as anything except a suggestion for something we could do rather than sit around feeling overtaxed and shitty and awkward, because, erm, I _do_ generally enjoy the more kissing-oriented sorts of activities we get up to and I get the impression you do too?" 

Another nod, more emphatic. It felt fucking ridiculous to truncate his response to something so minimal when there were honestly a thousand words he could have said on that particular subject. Which was the problem, wasn't it? 

"That's what I bloody well thought. So, if we can try this maybe without you overthinking it all to hell and back or trying to hold a philosophical fucking debate mid-snog...?" 

Yet another nod. Fuck, yes, fine. 

"I'm holding you to that, Strider," Jake warned, voice low, and a little coil of heat bloomed in Dirk's stomach at both the sound of it and also the fact that he followed it up immediately with another firm kiss, lips slightly chapped and warm against his. "No talking," Jake murmured, between kisses. "No thinking, either." 

Dirk couldn't help but let out a incredulous little laugh, at that, but apparently Jake was all right with _noises_ , so long as they weren't forming words. Jake put his hands on Dirk's hips, and Dirk leaned down to meet him, letting Jake set his own pace even though everything in him wanted to move fast. Wanted more, now, fuck. Jake was usually so -- tentative, about this. Not that Dirk hadn't fantasized long and fucking often about Jake taking the lead, for once, but whether he actually intended to or not here was completely ambiguous, and since he wasn't allowed to talk to _ask_ , what was he expected to -- 

Jake broke off the kiss, brows arched. 

"I can practically _hear_ you thinking, Dirk," he breathed up at him, disapproving. "You're thinking so loudly it's a little bit deafening, actually." 

Dirk swallowed. How to respond without talking? He was staring down, blank-faced, at a total loss. He felt like an idiot. Jake reached up, rapped his knuckles lightly against one side of Dirk's head. 

"No more of that. Yeah?" 

Dirk nodded, chin bobbling up and down with truly embarrassing vehemence. He was so fucking scared that Jake might stop, leave it at this, leave him frustrated with this sense of failure -- God _damn_ it. His thoughts were relentless, how was he supposed to shut them off? 

Jake moved his hands from Dirk's hips to his shoulders, and with one little firm push Dirk's back hit one of the upright stone slabs, hard enough to leave him a little breathless. Jake stepped up into his labored inhalation and wasted absolutely no time parting his lips against Dirk's, deepening the kiss, and _that_ sent some of his thoughts scattering off to the far reaches of his mind, thank God. He leaned in, taking in Jake's warmth, his taste, the texture of his teeth and tongue and lips. He honestly loved this, loved the little wet sounds they made together, the clumsy, eager way Jake's tongue moved, like it was trying to be everywhere all at once. The way Jake squeezed his eyes shut so tightly a little wrinkle formed between his brows. He was so fucking awkward. They both were. 

But it was so fucking nice to feel wanted. 

They spent several breathless minutes mapping out each other's mouths, and, fuck, Dirk would have gladly just done this all day. Just spent hours kissing Jake, slow and sweet and then hard, demanding, establishing a rhythm, making Jake moan into his mouth with what little breath he had left to spare. How many times had he fantasized about this, all those years they spent apart, flirting awkwardly on Trollian? And how often did someone get to actually live the things they fantasized about? So what if Jake didn't want to hear him talk. So what if that still stung, a little, knowing the prospect of actually conversing with him was exhausting enough to actually drive him away. 

So -- 

Fuck, god damn it. No thinking. 

Instead of thinking, Dirk decided to press his luck, sliding his hands from where they'd settled on Jake's hips around to cop two generous handfuls of his ass, instead. Jake's eyes flew open, comically wide, lips and tongues faltering briefly in their ministrations, but he didn't protest. Instead he pulled his head back a bit, looked up and smirked. Dirk raised his eyebrows. 

"A little demanding, aren't you?" Jake teased, but he didn't seem bothered. In fact, he pressed in, moving their bodies flush against each other. "Two can play that game, Strider," he said, and then he snaked his hands up beneath Dirk's shirt, dragging his fingers up over his sides. Dirk let out a pathetic little _mmf_ , nearly spoke an encouragement aloud, and caught himself just in time. Dirk's back was still pressed against the stone, and now his front was pressed against Jake, so Jake contented himself by moving his fingers in teasing little circles over Dirk's ribs, then lower, toward his hips. 

Dirk was reluctant to let go of Jake's ass, since he apparently had permission to be there, but if they were going to start fooling around under each other's clothes he wasn't about to get left behind. He slid his hands up Jake's bare back, mapping out the feel of his muscles, the hard planes of his shoulder blades, the little bumps of his spine. He was so fucking hot, it was a little unfair. Did he have any idea how bad Dirk fucking _ached_ for him, every day? 

They kissed, again, lips parting, fingers moving over bare skin. Jake sort of canted his hips up against Dirk's, once, twice -- did he even know he was doing it? Dirk groaned, feeling his body inevitably respond. He didn't want this to be happening, yet, mostly because he was afraid the second Jake noticed he'd decide things had gone far enough. They weren't even in a room, for God's sake. Just standing out in the open, not even very far from the gate. If Jane or Roxy went looking for them -- not that they would, but--

Thinking, again. Right. 

Instead of being put off, Jake seemed to take Dirk's increasingly obvious arousal as encouragement. In fact, he outright _chuckled_ between heated kisses. Dirk wanted to make some snarky comment, demand what was so funny, but he was determined to prove he could do this not-talking thing as long as Jake wanted him to, so he swallowed all the words down unspoken and concentrated on Jake's mouth, instead. 

At least until Jake pulled his face away, shot him a grin so fierce that his already affected dick actually twitched in his god damn pants, and started kissing his jaw, instead. Dirk swallowed, tilting his chin up. Alright. Jake kissed his way up to his ear and actually _bit_ his earlobe -- not hard, just a little nibble, but it was enough to make Dirk gasp out a little breathless "Oh, fuck." 

"No _talking_ ," Jake warned, breathing directly into his ear. Dirk shivered -- actually fucking _shivered_ , what the fuck -- and nodded. Almost said _sorry_ , remembered at the last second that that would be breaking the rules, too. This was going to be difficult, if they kept on like this. And he most definitely didn't want to stop. 

Apparently accepting the nonverbal apology for what it was, Jake busied himself with kissing back down the side of Dirk's neck, leaving a little wet trail in the soft juncture between his jaw and throat. Dirk moved his hands back onto Jake's ass, squeezing, pulling him in harder against his hips. Gratifyingly, he could feel Jake stirring down there, too. Part of him was still worried Jake wasn't _actually_ into this and was performing some fucked up guilty apology ritual, but at least there was some physical evidence now beyond stuttered breathing that Jake was getting something out of this, too. 

Jake pulled back slightly, giving his hands room to roam over Dirk's chest. He dragged his thumbs over his nipples in teasing little circles, and it took literally all of the mental acuity Dirk had left to stop himself from gasping out some expletive or another, or at least Jake's name. He settled on a wordless little _mmgh_ noise, instead, since those seemed to be allowed. Jake laughed, muffled into the skin just below Dirk's ear. His thumbs were still moving, though, and Dirk was sort of wholly focused on that, especially when Jake took one nipple between his thumb and forefinger and gave him a light little pinch. Dirk gasped again, hips swaying forward. 

He was starting to feel a little overwhelmed -- and a little guilty, actually, things usually weren't this one-sided, between them. It was strange; given control of the situation Dirk would have expected Jake to be more _demanding_ than the opposite, but here they were. Jake seemed wholly focused on giving, and though he definitely seemed to be enjoying himself, it didn't do any favors for Dirk's lingering worry that this was all some sort of fucked up unnecessary reparation for their previous talk. If you could call it that. Dirk wanted to reach up, grab's Jake wrists, lean in and _ask_ , is this really what you want, are you doing this because you _want_ to? 

But that would be talking. 

His stomach fluttered, guilt and arousal and nervous energy pulling his mind in all different directions. If he wasn't completely sure they were doing this for the right reasons, shouldn't he stop it? What did it say about him that he didn't want to? Was it disrespecting Jake to even wonder, when he had _said_ , outright, not to worry about it? 

"You're thinking, again," Jake observed. Dirk blinked. Jake's hands and lips had stilled on him and he hadn't even noticed. Fuck. He shook his head, denying the obvious. "Christ on a fucking cracker, what do I have to do?" 

Oh, fuck. No, no. This was all wrong. Dirk jerked away, heart racing for reasons entirely unrelated to the current state of his dick. 

"You don't _have_ to do --" 

"Dirk--" 

"-- _anything_ , I said not to do this because you felt _obligated_ \--" 

"-- _I don't feel obligated!_ " Jake snapped, loudly, brows knit, cheeks gone blotchy red. "And you are _not_ supposed to be talking, and this is exactly why! You can be so -- you _listen here._ " Jake's eyes were flashing, he was furious and panting and god, it was horrible how Dirk's second thought past his initial _wow, you really fucked up this time_ was _shit, he is so fucking hot._ "You can be so self-centered! Everything is about you, all the time! _You_ found another crypt to explore, _you_ mapped everything out, _your_ plans. _You_ want to talk about something, something is bothering _you_ , your conversations! You, you, you. Well, listen here, _Strider_ , what we're doing right now is not about you! It's about me! This is about what I want, and what I want is for you to do what I say, for once, and shut your blistering mouth for one fucking second, and maybe let yourself just _enjoy_ something for its own sake instead of attributing all kinds of ridiculous plots and machinations and ulterior motives to everything! I am not your god damned-and-blasted auto-responder, do you hear me?" 

"Jesus, Jake, I--" 

"Yes or _no,_ Dirk, no _talking._ " 

Dirk's first thought was _are you fucking serious,_ but it only took one look at Jake's face to know yes, he absolutely was. Christ, all right. He didn't even get to respond to that. Okay. He nodded, slowly, jaw clenched, playing back the words in his mind. Were they fair? Yes. Did they hurt? Also yes. Possibly moreso _because_ they were fair. 

Jake's lips were pressed into a line, his eyes narrowed as he studied him. Several agonizing moments passed like this, Jake obviously trying to decide if Dirk was _actually_ hearing him, actually comprehending. 

"I'm going to kiss you again, then," Jake decided, finally. "I am, in fact, planning on doing all sorts of rather obscene things to you, shortly, and you are not going to say a word for _any_ of them, and if you get that glassy look on your face that tells me you aren't even paying attention to all the nice things I'm doing to you, I'm -- well, I'm going to be _very_ upset! Got that? Is that all well and good with you, Dirk?" 

Good fucking God, but it was hard to breathe, again. Dirk nodded, biting his own goddamn tongue to keep it still. He'd have to be an idiot to ruin this. Well -- he _was_ an idiot. Even more of one. A colossal idiot. 

"Good! Fantastic! Jolly fucking _roger_ that, now pay attention." Jake sucked in a breath, glared up at him one last time. "And take your shirt off," he added, almost as an afterthought. Dirk made an incredulous little snorting sound, which earned him another glare, but he didn't have to be asked twice. One smooth motion, and there he was, half undressed in the open air on top of a motherfucking tumulus on Jake's quiet fucking planet. Classy. 

Jake made absolutely no move to remove his _own_ clothes, Dirk noticed, instead opting to press his clothed chest to Dirk's bare one, and start back up at the beginning -- that is, at his lips. They caught up to where they'd left off quickly, though, and this time Dirk made a conscious effort to keep his thoughts focused -- Jake's mouth, Jake's tongue, Jake's hands sliding over his skin, Jake, Jake, Jake. Certain parts of his anatomy that had maybe withered slightly at the experience of being furiously verbally berated began to take interest, again. Jake hummed in pleased acknowledgement of that fact, all but grinding against him, and then he moved his mouth down Dirk's chin, licking his way over Dirk's bobbing adam's apple and pressing a kiss between his collarbones. Dirk allowed himself a contented little sigh -- Jake still seemed perfectly okay with wordless noises, thank God. He wasn't sure he could have done this if Jake had demanded actual _silence._

Even as Jake kissed his way down Dirk's chest, his thumbs were sliding under the waistband of his jeans, fingers pressing against Dirk's hips. Dirk's foggy thoughts slowly began to process where this was obviously going, and he swallowed audibly, physically struggling against the urge to say something stupid like _you really don't have to do this_ or _are you really sure this is what you want._ Generally _Jake_ was on the receiving end of these sorts of situations between them, and he'd never given any indication that _giving_ was something he was super interested in, so -- God, he had to stop thinking. Thank God Jake was temporarily distracted by the difficulties inherent in unbuttoning a pair of tight jeans from the front to look up and catch him drowning in his own flood of mental bullshit, again. 

_Focus on Jake,_ he told himself. 

Button successfully popped and zipper undone, Jake let out a pleased little hum. He glanced up at Dirk, studying his expression, and seemed satisfied by what he saw because he nodded agreeably and slid his hands down the bare skin over his hips, right into his boxers and oh, shit. Jake gave him a little squeeze, positively _smirking_ , and stroked down his length once, twice, before drawing him out. Christ al-fucking-mighty, the gate was right _there,_ they were just asking to be walked in on. 

And -- why was he thinking about that? Jake English was sinking to his glorious knees right there in the grass in front of his erect fucking cock and he was _still_ thinking about stupid shit -- _Fuck._

Jake looked up at him, corners of his mouth turned up, and blinked once, slow behind his spectacles. "Are you paying attention, Dirk?" he asked, giving the base of his dick another teasing little squeeze. Dirk twitched his hips, an involuntary little grunt escaping him and turning into a shivering little _mnngh._

He nodded, breathless. 

"Good," Jake said, and then he leaned in and took the head of his dick in his mouth, and _finally_ , Dirk's thoughts _actually_ all scattered and reassembled and narrowed into repeated litanies of _oh, fuck yes._ He wanted to say that out loud. He wanted to moan that as pornographically as possible, really, but he suspected Jake really would stop if he said anything, so he settled on appreciative, breathy little gasps instead. Jake added his tongue to the suction behind his lips, pressing it flat against the tip, sliding it around in an experimental circle, and fuck, it felt so fucking good. 

He wanted to say so. Didn't, with effort. 

Jake took a little more in, sliding his lips down the shaft, and the sight of that from above was so goddamn good. It was fucking crazy how just _looking_ at him was almost as good as feeling what he was actually doing. He fought to keep his hips still, to let Jake take it at his own pace, and between not moving and not speaking Dirk felt like he was actually going to lose his mind, like, just shut down completely while his actual brain liquefied and ran out of his ears. Shockingly, that didn't happen, but right when Dirk reached a point where he felt like he could maybe just barely stand it, Jake got halfway down his shaft and then slid back up, bobbing his head up and down, tongue twitching as he went. Dirk choked out a sort of strangled half-moaning, half-whining noise and reached desperately down to curl his fingers in Jake's thick, sweat-damped hair. Jake moaned in response, sending new vibrations into him, and oh, fuck, this was so good. It was so _good._

And it was so fucking hard not to _say_ so, not to say anything, not _this is so good_ or _you're so fucking hot_ or _fuck, yes, Jake, god, yes._

Jake couldn't take him all in, but what he couldn't manage he used his hands on, deft fingers squeezing and stroking along the base of him while his tongue worked the other end. Dirk was making a fucking mess out of his hair, and Jake's god damned glasses were all askew and slipping off his face -- why was _that_ so hot? 

It was too much. Dirk's hips twitched forward -- Jake moved back with the motion, grunting around him, and if anything he quickened his pace. Dirk bit his lip and then realized with a bolt of white hot panic that he had no idea if Jake wanted a warning. Was he allowed to say _hey, Jake, I'm probably about to come harder than I ever have in my life, so unless you want a mouthful of hot Strider sauce you'd better get your lips off my dick?_ Probably not. Oh, fuck. 

He thrust his hips forward, on purpose this time, punctuating it with a truly embarrassingly desperate moan, figuring it was as good a warning as he could give under the circumstances. He squeezed his fingers in Jake's hair, hard enough to probably sting a little, but Jake didn't so much as flinch. He just kept right on, flickering his eyes up in what was hopefully acknowledgement of what was about to happen, swirling his talented fucking tongue -- 

The noise Dirk made when he came was _not_ dignified, but the noise Jake made was even worse. 

It was this kind of grunting snort, followed by an audible _pop_ as he pulled off Dirk's dick with a little exclamation. Dirk let him go, moving his fingers from Jake's hair to his own dick, stroking himself through the rest of his orgasm -- god, he hoped Jake had moved out of the fucking way, his eyes were shut and he was frankly afraid to look. Fuck. He sagged backward, back meeting cool stone. He really should have said something. 

"Jesus jumping fuck, Dirk," Jake muttered, and Dirk cracked his eyes open apprehensively. Jake was grimacing at what was definitely evidence of what they'd just done soaking into his shirt -- it didn't look like it'd gotten above his collar, at least. Dirk let out a breathless little laughing gasp; this was so fucking absurd. Was he allowed to talk, yet? He had no idea. Jake glared up at him, leaning back on his knees, and Dirk could see plainly from this angle that he was still very much aroused. He'd have to do something about that. He wanted to ask what Jake wanted, but -- talking, again. Fuck. 

"I guess I can't blame you," Jake decided, his features smoothing out from annoyance and into satisfaction instead. "You were just following orders, after all. Pretty darn well, too! I'm impressed." 

God, this was torture. Dirk shrugged. He was just standing there, leaning heavily against the rock behind him on account of his legs being slightly wobbly, at the moment, staring stupidly. Jake stood up, dusted himself off -- there were grass stains on his knees, nice -- and stepped forward, placing his hands on the rock behind Dirk on either side of his head. 

"I'm going to kiss you again, if that's all right." 

He had definitely just gotten at least one full fucking mouthful, Dirk was pretty sure. Well. Who gave a fuck. He nodded. Jake leaned in, grinning, and -- there was a definite suspicious tang on his tongue, but -- fuck, it was kind of hot. Jake pressed his hips in, his own still-clothed arousal prodding into Dirk's belly. 

"You want to help a guy out?" he murmured, suggestively. Dirk smiled, gave an enthusiastic nod. Most definitely. Jake straightened up, unbuttoned his shorts, and grabbed Dirk's hands in his. "That's it," Jake sighed, guiding them exactly where he wanted. "Let's just -- do it like this, I don't have the bloody time for -- ah, fuck. That's the way," he sighed, letting go of Dirk's hands, sliding them up his arms and gripping tight. His eyes slid shut and he murmured what was frankly a bunch of utter fucking nonsense in that colorful way he had, and Dirk studied his face while he slid his fingers up and down his cock. He was so fucking _hot._ Even the way his stupid teeth stuck out over his bottom lip only added texture to the visual fucking masterpiece that was Jake English. He could probably get himself up again this way, just watching Jake's face while he worked him up, faster, harder, sliding rhythmically until Jake was bucking up into his hand and groaning out his release. 

Dirk wiped his hands discreetly on the inside of Jake's shorts, smirking. It hadn't taken long. 

"Yes, I know, you're very proud of yourself," Jake sighed at his expression, but it was a fond sort of sigh, and his features had gone a little slack with content. Jake draped himself over him, resting his chin on his shoulder. "I... hm. I _suppose_ you can maybe talk now, but I reserve the right to revoke permission based entirely on whatever it is you say." 

And now that he had permission, Dirk had no idea what to actually say. He opened his mouth, faltered. 

"Uh," he began, eloquently. Jake laughed. 

"That's quite a start," he teased. 

"That was... incredible?" Dirk managed next, a little more on the mark. 

"Mm," Jake agreed. "Better than a philosophical debate?" 

"Much better." 

"Well, good." Jake lifted his chin, pressed a kiss against the corner of Dirk's mouth. "I'll have to remember that. Something in this world Dirk Strider enjoys more than the sound of his own voice." 

"Hey, now..." 

"I'm just teasing," Jake sighed. "Really. That was... nice." 

"I'm a little surprised you, uh... like, that _that_ was what, given this situation, you..." Dirk trailed off, cheeks heating up both at the nature of the question and his inability to deliver it coherently. 

"Well, it wouldn't have been much of a bloody challenge for you to keep your words out of the whole situation if things had been the other way around, would it?" 

"Oh -- yeah." Dirk blinked. "I didn't think of that." 

"Well, I asked for that, too. No talking, no thinking... seems like you did all right." Jake stepped back, surveying the situation with a tired little exhalation. "We should probably, er, get cleaned up?" 

"Your place, I assume? It's closer. Unless -- uh, you want me to go?" Dirk held himself very still, heart in his throat. He desperately didn't want to go. Satisfying orgasms are one thing, but he was a cuddler, god damn it, and Jake knew it. He'd earned that little bit of intimacy, surely. 

"...Yes, my place," Jake relented, and Dirk sighed in all-encompassing relief. "But if you're staying, I reserve the right to reinstate the rules without warning." 

"Any time," Dirk assured him. "That's fine." 

It wasn't going to fix everything, Dirk knew, but maybe it was a start? Maybe they could make it work. 

Fuck, he hoped so.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [@landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)!


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